What's a Home?

I didn’t know that you could be so tired of the people that are meant to mean the world to you... Is a house really a home when your loved ones are gone? What if you live in a house we people you don't love? What does that mean Diddy? That you live in a house not a home?



The one person I thought I was my strength turn on me this morning... My mother. The woman I said was my role model. Doesn’t know anything about me and who I am. WHY? Do my parents not love me? Or do they do this because they love me? The bullshit that came out her mouth made me scream at her without thinking... The plain disrespect! Yet, she called my brother to justify her point. Did he say anything... No just the usual "Twitter is your life" Tears of anger stream down my sleepy face. You don't know me... You don't know what I do, was my thought at the time. Why must my parent compare me to me to my highly talented brother? I know I will come inferior to him. Sometimes I thank God for my asthma, to be perfectly honest I think I would mean nothing without it. As my tears slip into my semi parted lips, I stormed up the stair. Still yelling things I can't even remember. I went to the one place that separates me from the rest of my ‘family’, my room; the place that started the disagreement. I think my mother is jealous, jealous that I show more attention to Nicki Minaj, than her, that was the hidden message behind this argument. Cursing in the progress, saying thing I don't even remember. Just crying in my room trying to write an essay at the same time. I refuse to fail school.

"HUA!" a manly voice called me making the hairs on my neck stand up. I got the chills as I walked at a normal pace down the stairs. The only person that called me by my Asian name, my father. I am guessing my mother told him some bullshit because he was chatting that most shit ever. He dropped a few Vietnamese words, basically telling me I am a lazy piece of shit. "DON'T LET ME SEE YOU LEAVE A PLATE IN THIS SINK! OR I WILL PERSONAL KILL YOU! WASH YOUR PLATES!" I stood there confused as my mother washed the plates from the night before. That's beside the point, what kind of messed up shit is that? I glared as her as she made her African sound effect. You know the 'Ehen' and 'Mmhmm'. I looked back at my father "JUST GET OUT MY FACE!" Gladly! As I stormed upstairs again, I feel a pair of eyes stare at me... Zac! "Shut the Fuck Up, you Asian piece of crap, I didn't eat anything yesterday and I always wash my plates So you can just Fuck Off!" I shouted out of anger hoping my father would hear me and wouldn't hear me at the same time.

As my brother says nothing to me and heads back to his room. I went to my own room and prayed. "Dear Lord, I do appreciate everything you have give me, I love my family. I thank you for giving me a wealthy wonderful family. But I wonder are they really wonderful if this is how they treat me? Help me get through the day. I love you and I will talk to you soon." Jesus is the only family/friend I have. He never lets me down and he knows me better than I know myself. So I talk to him like a friend because he is my friend.

For the rest of the day I just had Tears by Tinie Tempah on repeat and finished my essay. Then I left the house, I had to leave. I didn’t even take a car, I walked I needed to clear my head. Reflect on what I wanted to do with my life, if it was worth living.

I live in the suburbs and I walked all the way to the city of LA. My cheek still wet from tears that never failed to fall. I was mad, mad my mother made me feel this way. That my father yelled at me. Maybe I need to change my ways, maybe I need to stop hiding from everyone. I need to be my helpful, more honest, more open. I was so deep in my thoughts I didn’t hear a car horning at me well until Xavier go out the car.

“Amelia, what are you doing here? Are you crying?” He said concerned.

“No,” I answered quickly and walked off.

“Amelia, hey...” He followed me, pulling me back by my arm. I looked at him with frustration in my eyes.

“Xavier, what do you want?”

“Mia, its 9 o’clock, we have school tomorrow. It’s too late for you to be out here on your own.”

“Why do you care?” I yanked my arm from his grip.”

“Because, you’re my friend.” I just felt like being only, but maybe I need to let my guard down a little. I mean Xavier is different to most guys. I needed to someone plus my feet were aching and it was cold. Xavier merely caught me in a vulnerable state. “Come on, it’s cold out here.” He grabbed my hand and led me to his car. I got in and did my seat belt. “You hungry” I didn’t answer. My stomach answered him. He drove to Mc Donalds drive thru and we sat the parking lot in silences.



“Thank you” I said.

“No problem, please don’t cry again your too pretty for that.” I smiled and looking down. I’m NUMB to his words, because of our past, he so quickly forgot about. I wanted to tell him, I needed to tell someone and he was here. But I was scared, so I didn’t tell him. I snapped back to reality when he said. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here.” He hugged me and the pulled away but our faces were still close. He kissed my lips and I pulled away.

“No, don’t...” I said, I do like him but he always did this turned me into his hoe.

“I’m sorry”

“On Monday, you asked me if I was avoiding you, well I am. I'm tired of you turning me into you hoe. You’re not my boyfriend and you’re not my friend because friends don’t treat me the way you treat me. Leading people on ain’t cute Xavier” I got out the car, “Please don’t follow me” I started walking home, proud of myself for not giving in.



Once I got home, I went to my mother’s room, my father was downstairs. “Listen, I know I need to start pulling my weight around here. I’m not a little girl anymore. But you need to understand that I'm 18 years old I’m trying to have a life and I'm not that smart so I need to try harder than anyone else to get the grades. Please mom I’m going through a lot right now I need you to understand that.”



That was a lie, I never went home and said that, I just went straight to my room and cried myself to sleep. No-one even realised I left...



So Diddy I’m still waiting on your reply. That night is rained. Hopefully it rained all the pain from today. I am not whole, something in my life is missing, something so important. People on the outside looking in don’t understand the pain I feel day in day out, because they just see the smile and the money. But there is more to my life. All I know is that I need to talk. To someone... anyone...