Hopefully with my B

I wish I told you how much I love you & how much you mean to me.That trip we took made me fall deep. The way you hold me.T'was like a dream.


Just spoke from the heart... By God's grace you read it. But hopefully you won't.


I'm too pussy (as my friend would say.) to admit to you that you hurt me. Even more of a pussy to move on from you.


Say it ain't true. Yes! I rather be alone than not be with you. I hope one day you find love. Even if it ain't with me.

HEY YALL

@TMAngel_  and I have decided to team up just for the summer to create this beautiful DRICKI story http://aandejustforthesummer.blogspot.co.uk/

What's a Home?

I didn’t know that you could be so tired of the people that are meant to mean the world to you... Is a house really a home when your loved ones are gone? What if you live in a house we people you don't love? What does that mean Diddy? That you live in a house not a home?



The one person I thought I was my strength turn on me this morning... My mother. The woman I said was my role model. Doesn’t know anything about me and who I am. WHY? Do my parents not love me? Or do they do this because they love me? The bullshit that came out her mouth made me scream at her without thinking... The plain disrespect! Yet, she called my brother to justify her point. Did he say anything... No just the usual "Twitter is your life" Tears of anger stream down my sleepy face. You don't know me... You don't know what I do, was my thought at the time. Why must my parent compare me to me to my highly talented brother? I know I will come inferior to him. Sometimes I thank God for my asthma, to be perfectly honest I think I would mean nothing without it. As my tears slip into my semi parted lips, I stormed up the stair. Still yelling things I can't even remember. I went to the one place that separates me from the rest of my ‘family’, my room; the place that started the disagreement. I think my mother is jealous, jealous that I show more attention to Nicki Minaj, than her, that was the hidden message behind this argument. Cursing in the progress, saying thing I don't even remember. Just crying in my room trying to write an essay at the same time. I refuse to fail school.

"HUA!" a manly voice called me making the hairs on my neck stand up. I got the chills as I walked at a normal pace down the stairs. The only person that called me by my Asian name, my father. I am guessing my mother told him some bullshit because he was chatting that most shit ever. He dropped a few Vietnamese words, basically telling me I am a lazy piece of shit. "DON'T LET ME SEE YOU LEAVE A PLATE IN THIS SINK! OR I WILL PERSONAL KILL YOU! WASH YOUR PLATES!" I stood there confused as my mother washed the plates from the night before. That's beside the point, what kind of messed up shit is that? I glared as her as she made her African sound effect. You know the 'Ehen' and 'Mmhmm'. I looked back at my father "JUST GET OUT MY FACE!" Gladly! As I stormed upstairs again, I feel a pair of eyes stare at me... Zac! "Shut the Fuck Up, you Asian piece of crap, I didn't eat anything yesterday and I always wash my plates So you can just Fuck Off!" I shouted out of anger hoping my father would hear me and wouldn't hear me at the same time.

As my brother says nothing to me and heads back to his room. I went to my own room and prayed. "Dear Lord, I do appreciate everything you have give me, I love my family. I thank you for giving me a wealthy wonderful family. But I wonder are they really wonderful if this is how they treat me? Help me get through the day. I love you and I will talk to you soon." Jesus is the only family/friend I have. He never lets me down and he knows me better than I know myself. So I talk to him like a friend because he is my friend.

For the rest of the day I just had Tears by Tinie Tempah on repeat and finished my essay. Then I left the house, I had to leave. I didn’t even take a car, I walked I needed to clear my head. Reflect on what I wanted to do with my life, if it was worth living.

I live in the suburbs and I walked all the way to the city of LA. My cheek still wet from tears that never failed to fall. I was mad, mad my mother made me feel this way. That my father yelled at me. Maybe I need to change my ways, maybe I need to stop hiding from everyone. I need to be my helpful, more honest, more open. I was so deep in my thoughts I didn’t hear a car horning at me well until Xavier go out the car.

“Amelia, what are you doing here? Are you crying?” He said concerned.

“No,” I answered quickly and walked off.

“Amelia, hey...” He followed me, pulling me back by my arm. I looked at him with frustration in my eyes.

“Xavier, what do you want?”

“Mia, its 9 o’clock, we have school tomorrow. It’s too late for you to be out here on your own.”

“Why do you care?” I yanked my arm from his grip.”

“Because, you’re my friend.” I just felt like being only, but maybe I need to let my guard down a little. I mean Xavier is different to most guys. I needed to someone plus my feet were aching and it was cold. Xavier merely caught me in a vulnerable state. “Come on, it’s cold out here.” He grabbed my hand and led me to his car. I got in and did my seat belt. “You hungry” I didn’t answer. My stomach answered him. He drove to Mc Donalds drive thru and we sat the parking lot in silences.



“Thank you” I said.

“No problem, please don’t cry again your too pretty for that.” I smiled and looking down. I’m NUMB to his words, because of our past, he so quickly forgot about. I wanted to tell him, I needed to tell someone and he was here. But I was scared, so I didn’t tell him. I snapped back to reality when he said. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here.” He hugged me and the pulled away but our faces were still close. He kissed my lips and I pulled away.

“No, don’t...” I said, I do like him but he always did this turned me into his hoe.

“I’m sorry”

“On Monday, you asked me if I was avoiding you, well I am. I'm tired of you turning me into you hoe. You’re not my boyfriend and you’re not my friend because friends don’t treat me the way you treat me. Leading people on ain’t cute Xavier” I got out the car, “Please don’t follow me” I started walking home, proud of myself for not giving in.



Once I got home, I went to my mother’s room, my father was downstairs. “Listen, I know I need to start pulling my weight around here. I’m not a little girl anymore. But you need to understand that I'm 18 years old I’m trying to have a life and I'm not that smart so I need to try harder than anyone else to get the grades. Please mom I’m going through a lot right now I need you to understand that.”



That was a lie, I never went home and said that, I just went straight to my room and cried myself to sleep. No-one even realised I left...



So Diddy I’m still waiting on your reply. That night is rained. Hopefully it rained all the pain from today. I am not whole, something in my life is missing, something so important. People on the outside looking in don’t understand the pain I feel day in day out, because they just see the smile and the money. But there is more to my life. All I know is that I need to talk. To someone... anyone...

I Was Here

My life... My DNA, the things that define me and who I am but yet I have no idea who I am. I wish I was Beyoncé, I know it's random but I was here... I want everyone to know I was here, if I died would my so called friend remember I was here? Would my parents know I was here? So in a sense I do want to be Beyoncé, I am sure everyone WILL know she was definitely here. I guess you can call me invisible, to the world... It's sad for a 16 year old girl like me to Feel this way, but I do. I would never say I hate my life because I know life is precious but I just wish it was better. They say life beginnings at 40 but I believe my life began once I took my first breath.

As a little girl growing up with an African mother and an Asian father it was hard, people looked at us different. "Us" being my older brother, Zac, He was only 3years older than me. He was always the bright, brilliant, trouble maker. He was the child that got kick out of 2Kidagardens, 3 High Schools and 2 colleges. The only thing stopping my father from beating his ass is the fact that Zac is hard working and brilliant in every subject. Zac was always a leader never a follower. As for me, from the age of two, I suffered from my first every asthma attract, so I also was calm and quiet, never having a voice of my own. It was always what my mother says. Unlike Zac I only had two friends growing up, Lisa, she lived right next door to us. Our families became so close she was bound to end up being my best friend. J'adore is my other friend, we became friend through our mothers, and her mother s Nigeria like mine, so they have the same morals.

Behind closed doors I was exactly the same; quite. No one even knew I was there. Non-existent to my parents, the only time they would look for me is if they can't hear me. I had asthma so I was always snoring as I inhaled. Don't get me wrong I know my parents love me, but they was always working.
My mother was Superwoman! Why you ask? Because she is a Nigerian woman married to an Asian man that beats her. Yes I said it her man handles her. For no reason. If she makes his food wrong he would hit her. My father has the shortest temper and the tiniest patience in the history of man. My mother used to tell us stories of how they met. "When I met him he was so sweet, he would show me so much love. But when we moved in together he changed, he would beat me every day. But I never left because I always thought it was MY fault. The one day I wanted to leave was the same day I found out I was pregnant with Zac. I told him I was not going to have a baby out of wedlock so we go married" I would never EVER call my mother weak. I would never say my parents are in love because people who are in love would never have this kind of relationship.
My Father is a smart man he owns 3 different companies, I can say my family is very well off. I am his little princess. I always try to stay on his good side because; I don't want to end up like momma. As I got older the beatings minimised to hardly any.

Now that I am 18, people say I have changed; I am no longer shy, quiet and calm. I have more friends. Everyone knows me, but yet I feel invisible to this earth. I think my brother made me popular. I am the ugly sister of Zac Ngo, of course everyone knows me.
I say I have more 'friends' right? Well in a sense I do, J'adore and Lisa are still my friend but we only talk in school because there is a big drift between Lisa and I as we are not in any classes together and no longer live next door to each other because my Father found a bigger house for the four of us. It made no sense, to have 3spare rooms. As for J'adore we stopped talking in freshman year of high school all the way till junior year because we had no classes together and she was under a bad influence. But now I am we are besties again.
I have three other friends that I can say are not fake. Tao, she is Asian, I called her my sister, I go to her if I am having boy troubles. Karenna (Reenie) is my Indian/black friend; she is a real ass chick! Never did me wrong. She is there to tell me what's up.
Last but not lest Cece. She is more J’adore’s friend but in the last couple of years she has been there for me.

Now that I have introduce you to the little bit I know about the people who surround me. I need… I don't know... A life perhaps.


I want to say I lived each day until I die!

I woke up to day will a smile on face. I don't know why. But it was the first in a while. I got ready for my first day of school as Senior. First day. Last Year. I woke up too early so I made pancakes for everyone. It wasn't until 7:55am everyone started coming downstairs. "Hmmm it smells good in here." my brother said surprised because he knows I can't cook.
"Thanks!" I saw my mother drinks water as my brother take a plate. "Mum you’re not eating?"
"No, it fasting and prayer this month." My smile turned upside. "I will see you around 6."
"Ok.." I said I a hush tone as she left. I give my father her food and got ready to leave the house.
"Mia I will take you." Zac said. "Really, Gee thanks." I was happy because whenever I was in the car with Zac he would just speed to our destination and blast out Wiz Khalifa and Nicki Minaj and as I proud STAN of Nicki Minaj I was always happy to start my morning with her.
I've been in this school for 4years and no one knows the real me, not even my friends; that only know tiny chunks of my life. My Head Teachers that I see every day and say good morning to every morning doesn't even know my name or what year I'm in. This morning will be different. This year will be different! I promise you that! I am here! I slam the door to my brothers Range Rover. I walk straight to the girls toilet and reapplied my lip stick. I looked in the mirror. "I am Beautiful" I figured if I say it to myself every morning I will start to believe it.
"Nicki!!" Once I heard my annoying yet funny Nickname being called. I jumped as I turned my head from my reflection to the pink door.
"Cece" I ran to hug her, i pulled back and took in he new figure and look. She was slimmed than before summer and she had gotten a new weave.
"Hey Mia"
"Cece do you know how slim you look and your hair!!! Major Hot Points."
"I know Spain was crazy! I saw all those little skinny white girls and I was like fuck it! By the end of summer imma be a size 8 and be great."
"Well you definitely look Hot!"
"Thanks Mama."That pink dance slammed open once again. "Hey!" My short Asian sister walked through.
"Tao!!! How was Vietnam?"
"Beautiful..." Reenie and J'adore both walked through, we all exchanged greetings and hug. The school bell rang, telling us that we need to make our way to home room. As I strut down the hall with my four friends and all the boys looking at them, I know no one was watching me. Xavier called my name. So I told my girls I will meet them in call.
"Yes?"
"Mia, I missed you this summer." Um… he did? Wow
"Uh yeah I was busy every day this summer with my internship for Marie Claire." I only have God to thank for that job. I was still in shock that I got the internership because to be honest I am not that smart.
"Oh… well I tried calling you but…"
"Hun I changed my number. Let me give you my new one." i took his blackberry and typed my number in, then handed it back. "Okay I got to go… to class."
"Can I get a hug?" He asked.
"Sure…"
I hugged him for what felt like 5minutes, while he whispered in my ear. "Don't let go" repeatedly.
Once I disconnected from his gentle touch I walked away.

Ok Xavier is a boy... obviously, but he is a boy that I have liked for years. We have so much history; I did things I didn’t even know I was capable of. However this summer I decide to focus on me and get over him. It worked, he was no longer on my mind 24/7. Up until that moment we he hugged me. You want to know why I need to forget about Xavier? Because his best friend, Cameron who is also my brother from another mother told me he is in love with Reenie. So my life pretty much sucks. Did I mention I have never had a boyfriend before? Unpretty!

Lunchtime came.. And I am still unknown. No one will know I was here.
Home time came and my head teacher still does not know my name.
Maybe it’s because I'm not bad. Like Cece and J'adore! Or talented like Tao and Reenie! Maybe not being known is a good thing! Perhaps it's not my time now. I exhaled after a longer day of none stop talking to my four friends as one by one the got off the public bus and said they farewells. Tired as I was, close to sleep, 'Can Anybody Hear Me' blasted out from my phone. Xavier.
"Hey..." I said restlessly.
"Tired?" I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Very." My eye lids became heavy.
"Same... But I just wanted to hear your voice."
"Hmmm"
"Mia?"
"Yes?" I said as I struggled to press the stop button; that let the driver no I wanted to get off.
"Why do I get the feeling that you have been avoiding me?"
"Uh..." I bit my lip as I strolled down the stair of the bus.
"If you are... May I ask why?"
"I… umm have to go" I hung up because I was too tired for him. I’m tired of boys like him telling me shit I wanna hear. Sugar Coater! Then doing shit I don't want to see. Heartbreaker! I open the door with my key. Thankful my family wasn't home so I went to my room to sleep. Tomorrow is another day.

But is tomorrow really promised. I know nothing is forever. But I know a legacy is. Beyoncé's legacy will go on. She has meet so many memorable people. Done so many things. Maybe God is about to start my legacy. Maybe my legacy has already started. Maybe I am important to the ones who matter! I will be remembered! I WAS HERE! I AM HERE

Intro

Why do I always end the day with tears? Not happy tears, joyful tears or empathy tears; but tears of sadness. Insecurities within myself that will never fade. I am not pretty enough, I am not good enough, I am not appreciated enough, I ask myself... No I ask God, Why am I here? Why did you put me on this earth? What is this emptiness within me that I can't for fill on my own? So many questions, so little time. Ameila Hua Renée Ngo is my name and this is my life story...